Sydney Smash 4 December 2017 PR Backstoriesby @realasfjeese
1. Tru4 the Wolf
On a dark and stormy night, while crossing the River Styx to save his younger sister (who was possessed by the devil) from Hell, Tru4 and his divorced parents had their boat capsized by Batman using his trademark Boat Capsizing Spray. His parents shortly drowned in the river but Tru4 made it out alive by casting away his soul and embracing the darkness, such that his heart now runs on despair instead of oxygen. Since that night, he has been roaming the world seeking vengeance and a full-time job.
Likes: My Chemical Romance
Dislikes: Masked vigilantes, demons
2. Luco the Dog
Being a star performer and crowd favourite at the local dog shows thanks to his perpetually cheerful demeanour and talent at playing with small children, Luco was once kidnapped by television show host Happy Chapman. He was quickly rescued; he unwittingly aided in prolonging a ransom call by arguing with his kidnapper that he should be asking for a higher ransom, allowing police to easily triangulate their location. Luco hopes to make a name for himself on the wider dog show circuit by giving the small children video games to more efficiently entertain them.
Likes: Pleasing little boys
3. Joe the Cat
Previously known as the masked antiheroine Catwoman, Joe has the best combination of grounded and aerial mobility in the game. Her first meeting with Tru4 started with a clash of weapons and wits, but after doing that thing they do in movies and anime where they have expositional dialogue during a fight scene, Joe decided to give up the mask life and help Tru4 in his quest to find Batman—or so she says. In truth, Joe takes Tru4 out for dinner dates and quiet walks on the beach under the moonlight under the pretense that “Batman might be here tonight”, having fallen for him at first sight. She’s still good, though.
Dislikes: Loud noises
4. Killy the Rabbit
While widely agreed upon to be the country’s best juggalo breakdancer, Killy’s origins lie in the rap game. He was exposed to hard bars as a young child, raised in the ghettos of a black hole by a non-existent single father who beat him with the cigarettes he was always out for. He managed to survive by spitting the hottest flames and achieving faster-than-light travel, only possible by being the whitest thing in the known universe.
Likes: Hot dog buns
Dislikes: Stars (in all their forms)
5. MM the Bird
Most definitely a bird of prey, MM wears a Bluetooth headset to take booty calls while messaging other girls and organising dates. Powered by one hundred bottles of Coca-Cola®, he swoops in on the ladies with speed and also, at the same time, confidence like the blur of a practised 100% runner of a dating simulator. His pointed shades serve as a quiet reminder that this cock is the cock that will pierce the hymens.
Likes: Your attitude
6. Enn the Cat
Enn was raised by feral weed-smoking animals in the mountains, isolated from civilisation. His unorthodox upbringing led to him having a penchant for bad puns and bad real jokes, terrible fashion sense, and an inability to suppress his urges when in heat. In his late teens he moved into the city to open up a confectionery shop called La Soleil, bringing two of his best animal friends with him to keep him company at night.
Likes: Chocolate, vanilla bean
Dislikes: Zoophilia legislation
7. Jeese the doesn’t remember
An immortal soul that traverses from body to body, retaining all knowledge gained over the millenia that it has existed. The being referred to as Jeese has gone through the motions enough times to stop paying any attention to what kind of body it inhabits, and now it simply observes the machinations of the universe and imparts sage advice on any willing to believe its story. It dresses to avoid social interactions as much as possible, giving it more time to investigate the world’s greatest mystery: Japanese pornography.
Likes: Watching humanity evolve
8. Trojans the Bear
Aiming to become a world-class ballerina, Trojans trains day and night working on her form and body strength. She practises her leaps and spins in front of a camera to watch back and analyse what she could improve on to become more graceful. Her role model is the Russian Foxyshnikov, famed for the creation of the fair pirouette and a fantastically clear complexion.
Likes: Cool dance moves
Dislikes: Bayonetta’s poor technique
9. Fruit the Hedgehog
Not much is known about Fruit. He is assumed to be some kind of mad scientist hermit since he is not seen often—or at least not recognised, because he has looked completely different each time he has been spotted. The only consistent characteristic used to identify him is a big cheesy grin, extending from one side of his face to the other. It is believed that he is dressed every morning by a robot butler using a neural network.
Likes: This game we call ‘life’
Dislikes: Likely something science has not yet discovered
10. Invisi the Rabbit
He wears a hat. The hat is his thing. No one has seen Invisi without his hat. Some speculate that Invisi is actually the hat while the red rabbit is an unfortunate host for a parasitic hat-shaped alien, but Invisi will assure you that such an idea is preposterous and that you should not use your big juicy brain on coming up with such nonsense.
Likes: Flesh, grey matter
Dislikes: Not wearing the hat